Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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