i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
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I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
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It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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