Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
should my penis look like a turkey
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
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Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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