I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
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his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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