you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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