I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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