Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My ATM looks so different sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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