david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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