He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
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Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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