Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
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Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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