you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
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I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
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Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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