Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
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So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
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My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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