I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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