Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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