PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
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also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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