Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize