All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
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I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
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It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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