Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
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Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
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I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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