Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
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I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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