so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
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Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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