I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize