answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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