My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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