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none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
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