Your face is a jimmy john
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
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Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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