Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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