if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
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Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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