Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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