It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
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So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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