His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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