Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
try to milk me bitch
Randomize