Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
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when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
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I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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