I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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