I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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