It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
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got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
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You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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