Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
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