ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize