My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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