Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
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If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
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There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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