guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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