Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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