Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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