So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
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The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize