And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
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the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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