YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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