This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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