There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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