She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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