I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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