I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
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I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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